Have you ever....

Have you ever been blamed for something that you did not do? Have you ever felt as though people were holding your past sins over your head as though they defined who you are? Have you ever felt as though no matter what you said, it would fall upon deaf ears? Have you ever felt as though you would never be able to make things ok? Have you ever felt as though every step you took and every move you made was being judged? Have you ever felt as though the people who say they love you, are attacking you? Have you ever thought that love should look differently? Have you ever felt like someone was always looking for a fault, even though you were doing everything right? If so welcome to my world!

It's interesting to me how I can be in such a great spot and how the enemy thinks he knows exactly how to hurt me and tries to knock me down... well guess what?!?! I'm not falling! 2009 has begun very interestingly for me. It has been hard and yet though all of that I have grown so much closer to God. I would say that these last few weeks have been some of the sweetest times I've had with the Lord in awhile. Life has been very busy and then there is the situation explained above that is a daily struggle and yet at the end of the day I am rejoicing because I am a child of God.

Yesterday someone dear dear dear to my heart called me out of the blue. She is someone who since I have known her, has been a prayer warrior for me. As we were talking she told me that she wanted to encourage me by telling me that my worth is not found in the relationships I have here on earth. That the people who say they love me may hurt and disappoint me but that I should never find my worth in that. Her call came at such a perfect time for me as I needed that reminder. I will press on towards the goal and keep my eyes on HIM!

Newness...

There has been so many new things in my life over the past few weeks and I'm really interested to see what these next few week and months are going to look like!

I started school this past week along with going back to Texas ReEntry Services. Let me just say that my schedule is FULL. The plan is to leave my house at about 5:45 each morning (I didn't do this this past week!) in order to get to the gym by 6. I then have class from 9-12 MWF and then I go directly to the office till 2:30 when I leave to go pick up the kiddos from school. I then hang out with them until 6:00. On Tuesday & Thursday I go from the gym to the office till 2:30, when I pick up the kiddos. So everyday I'm going going going! It wouldn't be so bad but I have things Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday evenings also! Ahh it's going to be a LONG semester!

Also, there is a new friend in my life. His name is Jacob and it's been kinda a roller coaster ride getting to know him but it's been really good. It's kinda tricky because we both have developed feeling for each other but don't feel as though the Lord is leading us towards anything beyond a friendship at this point. So this is all new to me and I'm really interested to see what this looks like. We have decided to use this time to really build upon our friendship and getting to know each other more.

So anyhow I'm really interested to see what these next few weeks and months look like. This is all new to me...

A new year!

2009 has been a crazy year and I am only 15 days into it! There were some really hard things that happened in the last days of 2008 and then some of my bad choices from the past came back to the surface. 2009 started with much hurt, and I've had to spend the last 15 days trying to figure out what I'm going to do with, how I'm going to respond. There have been so many times in my life when I have been the victim and I can either sit in that or I can trust God that things will be ok and continue with life. This is the path that I have chosen. It has been very sweet in the past few days to just sit with the Lord and hear His truth about who I am. I'm excited to see how He is going to use these hard things to His glory.

There have also been some changes in 2009, the major one being that I am now nannying for a family. It is a hard family situation but I'm so excited to be able to be a part of what God is doing in this family. There are 4 kids (ages 7, 10, 13, 15) and they live with their dad who is going through a divorce from his second wife. So these kids are going through their second divorce. I did not know this when I first started but was filled in before my first day. Anyhow I pick the 2 youngest up from school, help them with homework and then cook supper and do household chores. It actually has been a great set up for me. I feel as though I am able to use my gifts very well in this position. I'm glad that I am able to be a stable person in these kids lives. I'm glad that I am able to be able to talk through how they are cooping with the divorce. It's just been a great opportunity to serve!

As hard as 2009 has been so far I'm so excited about what the year holds. I'm excited about the newness of it all!

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here is a countdown of the best pictures of 2008!

Friends together again! Getting all dolled up for Sarah's B-day celebration!

At the Italian Inn for Sarah's B-day!

My new small group ladies! I love these girls!!

AHH I had to put this one in here, Matt playing Chubby Bunny!

Us at Pam's Baby shower! Baby Lois was born in November!

At Ryan and Tyanne's wedding

DAVE BARNES!!!!!

These next few are from my second trip to Thailand!

Meg's wedding!

Home again for Adam and Rachel's wedding!

The CRAZY memorial day trip to go Float!!!

The Heartlight Gala!

Em came to visit!
We were hoping to get circled!

My first trip to Thailand!

Net, one of the children I fell in love with!

Arianne's b-day (and my new glasses)

Chad and Amanda's wedding!

AKA Heartlight reunion!

Well that was 2008! I'm excited for 2009, I know that there will be lots of wedding pictures in this next year! I'm excited to see what it holds!

'08/'09

So I'm sitting here on Em's couch feeling sick and thought that I would do this meme that she tagged me in.

1. Will you be looking for a new job? I am debating this, if I am I won't really be looking I will just be applying and getting a job (as a probation officer), I may pick up a part time job. I'm really not sure yet what I want to do, depends on what scholarships I get

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship? Yes!

3. New house? No I don't think so. I L-O-V-E the house I am in!

4. What will you do differently in 09? I'm not really sure, maybe workout more and eat better!

5. New Years resolution? I usually don't make new year resolutions, but I would say to workout more and eat better

6. What will you not be doing in 09? Not really sure, whenever I say I will not do something I tend to do it.

7. Any trips planned? The first being a trip to PA to go skiing with my amazing Heartlight Friends. I'm hoping to get out of the country at some point but not sure where to yet. I'm sure that Minnesota will be in there sometime. Also I am planning a road trip to Florida to visit my brother.

8. Wedding plans? Not of my own, but who knows there are 365 days in 2009.

9. Major thing on your calendar? Right now only the trip to PA which really is not on the calender because dates have not been set. Also wedding of my roommates (also dates yet to be set). So far that is all I know of so far.

10. What can’t you wait for? The things I 'm hoping will happen in '09

11. What would you like to see happen differently? I'm not sure about this one...

12. What about yourself will you be changing? I'm with Em on this one...My waistline, I hope :-).

13. What happened in 08 that you didn’t think would ever happen? I went to Thailand twice!

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about? I really try to be nice to people I care about all the time. Sometimes when in a bad mood I can take it out on those I care about, I will work on that!

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 08? Hopefully just smaller sizes!

16. Will you start or quit drinking? No, I currently drink and I don't think I will be giving up it up this year

17. Will you better your relationship with your family? With my brother I hope. I do hope that through this hard time in his life that we can better our relationship

18. Will you do charity work? Yes. I feel as though my job is charity work sometime, but I do plan on volunteering much more this year also.

19. Will you go to bars? I do feel as though I will be at a bar at some point in '09

20. Will you be nice to people you don’t know? I think I am really nice to people I don't know, I tend to really like people and believe that everyone should be loved

21. Do you expect 09 to be a good year for you? I hope so, '08 was a good year and I'm excited to see what '09 will bring.

22. How much did you change from this time last year till now? I hope that I love a little better and have learned much about love.

23. Do you plan on having a child? Not unless I fall in love and get married in the next 2 months!

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now? Yes! I have amazing friends and I'm so blessed to call them my friends. I am looking forward to making even more this year!

25. Major lifestyle changes? Working out more, eating better, and possibly beginning a new job

26. Will you move? Probably not, but you never know.

27. What will you make sure doesn’t happen in 09 that happened in 08? I don't know, I nothing in my control happened that I could change for next year.

28. What are your New Years Eve plans? I don't have any yet (yes I know that it is only 2 days away)

30. One wish for 09? Don't they say if you tell what you wish for it won't happen?!?! I am NOT telling, just in case!!

Wow I can not believe that 2008 is almost over! I wish you all a very happy new year!!

Highs and lows of '08

The other night I was out with 4 of the most amazing women I know.  It was a night to celebrate Sarah's birthday and it was a great night.  We got all dressed up, took pictures in front of the Christmas tree, went to supper at a cute little Italian restaurant, went The Nutcracker, and then back to Sarah's for homemade Oreo Cheesecake.  It was a fun night but honestly it was just good to be out with these women that I love.  During supper we went around and talked about the highs and lows of 2008, we realized one thing in the conservation and that was that 2008 was a good year!  None of us could really think of major low of the year.  For me this is significant coming out of 2007 which was full of lows for this girls.  

I thought I would share some of the highs of 2008 as the year is ending...

* I got to go to Thailand twice!  My life will forever be impacted by those trips, by the people that I met and the time I got to spend with the people I was traveling with!  

*Out of my trip to Thailand came one particular high, the beaches of Thailand.  I love a good beach and this was a GOOD ONE!

* My new small group!  I love these new women that the Lord has put into my life!  It has been so sweet to really get to know these girls and count them sweet friends!

* My oldest and best friend came to Texas in April.  It was so good to have her come and see that part of my life.  We did lots of fun Texas stuff and it was just fun to have her in my neck of the woods!

* Many of my friends got married this year and it was fun to celebrate with them.  I love how weddings bring friends together!

* I got to spend 3 months working in the Senator's office.  The high that came out of this time is meeting my supervisor, she is an amazing women and it was a privilege to work alongside her for that time!

* My roommates and all the sweet times I have had with them this past year.  These girls are there for me to laugh with, to cry with and just be still with.  I love that these girls know me and love me so well.  

So all in all 2008 was a good year and I'm excited to have an even better 2009!

The future?!?!?

So I have been such a roller coaster of emotions lately. Life is crazy right now and honestly really really hard all of a sudden. In the matter of days I have seen my future not looking so clear and it is really scaring me! I have been so excited about the end of school coming up and now that it is here I am freaking out. I have come to the realization that I am not doing well in school this semester and now it is coming to kick me in the butt. I may be getting two C's this semester (Mind you, I am the girl who had never received a B until I began at UTA) which in return would more pretty much remove my chances of getting into grad school. . It would take away my automatic acceptance and they don't often let people in who are not automatically accepted.

To make things worse I took a final for one of the classes in question today. It was a stats test which for the most part I really get. They just trip me up on the wording of True and False questions. Well I felt really good about the test until I get to the end and the last 6 questions all have to do with the same problem and the formula I need to do the problem is not on the formula sheet! I e-mailed my professor to bring this to her attention so that hopefully those problems will be thrown out, otherwise I missed 15 points right there and have no hopes for getting an 84 like I needed. I have two more finals on Wednesday and then I will know by the18th at the latest how I did.

This morning before the test I just spent some time reading Scripture and journaling. I was thinking about the fact that in the past 19 months there has not been a day that's gone by that I have not felt that this is exactly where I am suppose to be, that I am doing exactly what I'm suppose to be doing. If I believe that, I must believe that this will work out for the glory of the King, that this is part of HIS plan. I'm just really struggling right now!