Christmas...

Christmas is two weeks away... and yet I continue to pretend like it is not the holiday season, because then I don't have to relive the pain of Christmas past. The two hardest days of the year, every year, are Christmas and April 5th, my birthday. Here I am, less than 2 weeks away from this day that I know will be a hard one. Today was the first day I allowed myself to cry and mourn over it. I sit here on my couch with tear stained cheecks and with a pain in my heart. How I long to forget the past, to forget the things that were said to me and about me on this once precious day in my life. There has not been a Christmas in over 7 years that I have not cried myself to sleep longing for something different. Longing to be loved by my family, longing to forget the pain.

With that said I do LOVE Christmas! I get to spend it each year with amazing people, we laugh and have a good time and they are the people in my life who truely love me. I look forward to spending this time with them each year, it's just afterwards when I'm all alone that my minds wanders back to the pain. I always think that this year is going to be different. But I know deep down that it will not be, and now as the tears have already begun to fall I know that it will not be. I will laugh, and I will cry but I will remember to rejoice for the things that I do have.

The dream...

Well here I sit in the Kansas City airport waiting to board my plane to head back to Texas. It has been an amazing weekend filled with fun times with old friends. I went back to Minnesota this weekend to attend a wedding of a good friend of mine.

So last Thursday I got on a plane and flew into Kansas City. Bob and Nat picked me up and we headed towards Des Moines to stay with Melissa. It was a fun reunion with people that I love dearly. I felt the cold air on my skin and enjoyed the sweet conservations with these friends. We got to Melissa's, ate ice cream and went to bed. Friday morning we headed toward the great state of Minnesota. Once there we went to Perkins and then to Caribu Coffee. For those of you who don't know Caribu is a coffee shop up in that neck of the woods. We spent the next few hours there doing homework (I know it was suspose to be a vacation but school is still in session!) Then Mandi picked Melissa and I up and Bob and Nat went to the Groom's supper. We went shopping to get wedding presents (I know, I know waiting till the last minute! I did much better than I am doing with Em's present though which is ALMOST done! I'll get it to them soon, only a few *6* months late!)

After that we met up with Lindsey and went back to Mandi's where we played an amazing game of Girl Talk. It is so funny how I, as a 26 year old woman can revert back to 11 when playing this game! Oh how I LOVE it! We went to bed way to late and woke up way to early. We went to Macy's to get makeovers before the wedding. Since the wedding was at 11:00 am we had to be a Macy's by 8:45 am! We got our makeovers and headed to the church. As we got outside we realized it had begun to snow. It was beautiful!

Well we got to the church, said Hi to Joshua and sat down. What a blessing it was to be able to witness Joshua marry his bride Rose. It was a beautiful wedding (except when Joshua's sister passed out... that was a little crazy!) The Barta wedding was VERY different from the wedding I have been dreaming about for 26 years but yet beautiful and perfect for them! It was so fun to be surrounded by people so dear to my heart! I do love how weddings bring us all back together! We were released from the wedding at 2:45 and from there braved the snow to go to Joel's for the day.

It was such a sweet time to spend with friends I haven't seen in such a long time! It was a good time. It was hard for me at times, just as it is always hard for me to be in a large group of people but I made it though and am thankful for the time I had with these people. What a fun time!

It's crazy to think that I am all grown up! All my friends are getting married, my other friends are showing up pregnant I'm going to be 27 this year. It so crazy! This is not what I thought my life would look like at 27 but yet I am blessed by so many things! I do dream of the day when it's going to be my turn!