Christmas...

Christmas is two weeks away... and yet I continue to pretend like it is not the holiday season, because then I don't have to relive the pain of Christmas past. The two hardest days of the year, every year, are Christmas and April 5th, my birthday. Here I am, less than 2 weeks away from this day that I know will be a hard one. Today was the first day I allowed myself to cry and mourn over it. I sit here on my couch with tear stained cheecks and with a pain in my heart. How I long to forget the past, to forget the things that were said to me and about me on this once precious day in my life. There has not been a Christmas in over 7 years that I have not cried myself to sleep longing for something different. Longing to be loved by my family, longing to forget the pain.

With that said I do LOVE Christmas! I get to spend it each year with amazing people, we laugh and have a good time and they are the people in my life who truely love me. I look forward to spending this time with them each year, it's just afterwards when I'm all alone that my minds wanders back to the pain. I always think that this year is going to be different. But I know deep down that it will not be, and now as the tears have already begun to fall I know that it will not be. I will laugh, and I will cry but I will remember to rejoice for the things that I do have.