2 weeks and counting...

It's 5:00 in the morning and I don't have to be up for another 2 hours. I don't know why I'm awake, it's been an exhausting week/weekend! Life has been super busy as of late, but I'm making it and I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Over the summer I was given the opportunity to submit a proposal for a new program. I had two weeks to develop a program and write the grant. I spent many long days at the office those two weeks but it paid off when we got the letter of approval in August. We were being awarded $4.5 million to open a 12 bed crisis respite unit for adolescents!!

Since then I have been working hard to get the program started. We did what seemed liked 5,000 interviews and hired the 28 staff needed to run the unit. It's an amazing staff and I'm so excited about the leadership! We've spent countless hours coming up with the policy & procedures, rules, and schedules (who knew how hard making a 24-hour schedule was?!?).  I don't know how long I spent debating between furniture.  I love that kinda stuff but it's hard to pick out furniture from a blank slate and hope if will work! $58,000 later the furniture was picked out and sent to order.  I have spent hours upon hours and thousands of dollars shopping for the unit.  I've had overflowing carts of towels, pillows, and home goods.  We packed the work Tahoe full at IKEA, and then I went back a week later to get even more stuff! I spent this last weekend doing even more shopping and have much more to do this week.

It's all coming along though! We are set to open December 2, 2013!  The furniture is being delivered today, the building renovations are almost complete and we are having a community sneak peak this Thursday! It's crazy that all the hard work is coming together and we are about to open our doors in two short week! I am so excited to be able to serve this population and to love them well while they are in our care! I also look forward to being able to rest once it is open!

Yesterday I got to spend the day with sweet friends from Heartlight. It was so good to be able to reconnect with them and to reminisce about our time at Heartlight. I love how Gid used each and everyone one of us while we were there and the relationships He formed. I pray that this new unit will have the same result!

I love seeing how God is using my past to mold my future and I love the opportunities I get to love people well!

Thankful for Today 5.18.13

1) My dear friends Kati & Erin! It's crazy to think that it was almost 5 years ago that I met these two sweet girls at Panera.  I had just gotten back from Thailand and needed community in a bad way. I was invited to join their small group and met up with them and a few others that day at Panera. Only God would know that over the next few years we would grow to become dear friends! Our lives are all {a lot} more busy than they were 5 years ago but we make time to continue to walk through life with one another. Today we grabbed lunch and helped Kati with wedding registry stuff. It was so good! I just love those girls!

2) Sundress weather! It's so funny how with every season I look forward to the next! But right now I am so glad that it is Sundress weather! I love wearing skirts and dresses. If I could wear a sundress and sandals every day I would. I'm so glad the season is officially here! I'm sure I will shortly be longing for sweater weather but for now I'm thankful for the blazing hot sun!

3) Shoe designers who still make size 5 shoes! I don't know when the trend happened, if a study was done and people were found to have larger feet than in the past but I'm so thankful for those faithful designers who still make shoes in size 5. I really wear a size 4 but those are near impossible to find in Northern America. I have learned the tricks of wearing shoes a size too big for me but add an extra 1/2 size and I'm a loss cause. Most designers start makes shoes at size 6 and it makes my heart a little sad when I cannot find cute shoes. I was a Dillard's today and after a long search finally just said bring me out ANYTHING you have in a 5.  Ten minutes later the sales clerk returned with A pair of shoes, yes just one! So thank you Nine West, Jessica Simpson, and all the others who remember the small {footed} people!

4) Air conditioning! Today was in the 90's here in Texas, and I think the humidity was at like 352%! So maybe I'm exaggerating but seriously the humidity was crazy! My said sundress what sticking to my body, my hair laid limp on my head and I sweat in places I only knew sweat once I moved to Texas. Today such as these make me so thankful for air conditioning. I love that cold blast you get when you walk into a store after what seemed like a mile hike from your parking spot. I don't know how people did it before central air!

5) That I am part of the grand story of redemption seen in the Bible! I am so thankful that God is in the business of redemption and restoration! I have failed numerous times and yet God is restoring my relationship so that I can bask in His presence... I could not be thankful for anything more!

Thankful for Today 5.15.13

1) Have I mentioned that I have AMAZING staff?  If not, then let me tell you now... I HAVE AMAZING STAFF! I never thought I would want to be in admistration and supervise people but I L-O-V-E my job and for a large part its because I have such great staff.  Today I threw out my flowers I got for my birthday.  This afternoon I got back from lunch and found an BEAUTIFUL bouquet of flowers sitting next to my computer.  One of my staff said she heard me say last week that I always want fresh flowers in my office so she bought me some!  I am so thankful for how my staff love me well!

The Beautiful Flowers I got!

2) Comfy clothes!  I haven't been feel great this week.  I've been sore and achy all over and these Texas Allergies are killing me.  The best part of my day today was when I was able to get out of my work clothes and put on my yoga pants and my new Shane & Shane t-shirt (which happens to be THE most comfortable shirt ever!)

3) Brewed.  What is Brewed, you ask?  Well Brewed is my new favorite restruant in Fort Worth.  They have lots of locally brewed beers on tap, and many deliciously brewed coffee drinks! As amazing as thier drinks are, the food is even better.  They have duck fat sweet potato fries {Yes you heard me... duck fat fries, as in fries cooked in duck fat} They are melt in your mouth amazing!

Braving the storms at Brewed, enjoying our time with Kate

4) Community & Fellowship.  A few girls from my home group and I went to above said establishment to enjoy some of the last hours we have before our friend leave to go serve in West Africa.  We ate, played Heads Up and just had a great time!

5) Thunderstorms.  A huge storm came through tonight.  Numerous tornados touched down in the surrounding areas.  I pray everyone is ok, but I just love thunderstorms.  To me they are so calming!

Thankful for Today 5.13.13

1) Mondays! I mentioned a few posts back that Mondays often tend to be my favorite day of the week. Today proved to possibly take that award this week also. Every monday I meet with my dear friend Stephanie to do a Bible Study and catch up on life. We spent the lunch hour engaged in conversation and in the midst I got convinced to stay for the afternoon and eat supper with them! My love language is Quality Time and today was filled with just that!

 2) A clean house! I spent yesterday spring cleaning. I cleaned base boards, moved furniture to sweep, mopped, dusted and organized. I love waking up to deep cleaned home! When my home is clean and organized, my whole life somehow feels more organized.

 3) Fresh flowers! In April I got flowers from a number of friends for my birthday. I decided then that I wanted to have fresh flowers in my life at all times. I have a vase next to my computer at work and my goal is to always keep fresh flowers in it.

 4) Gummy Bears!

 5) Online shopping! I think that the world is out to get me, and no I'm not just being paranoid! It seems like everything I love in this world ends up getting discontinued {I was speaking in material terms... But maybe it's the same conspiracy theory when it comes to men in my life} The list seems to go on and on, the first to be discontinued was the Australian Toaster biscuit, then white coconut diet coke from Sonic, Clinique Black Amethyst eyeliner and the most recent to go Mango Madness lipgloss from Victoria's Secret. I have tried to find a replacement, I have tried so many different kinds of lipgloss and none compare. I had mourned the loss of this lipgloss when I decided to search amazon in a last ditch effort. I found it! I ordered 3 tubes and it arrived today! My lips are glossed and happy!

Happy {?} Mother's Day

Mother's Day has always been a hard day for me. I have never "known" my mom. Sure I spent two weeks every summer and a week at Christmas with her until I moved in with her full time at the age of 11, I then cohabited with her until I was 16, but I don't really know who she is. We have never had the typical mother/daughter relationship. We have both hurt each other and there have been years that have passed with no communication amongst us. Mother's Day has always reminded me of that hurt and every year has been a bitter-sweet day for me. My heart aches every year on this day that I don't know who my mother is, I long to hear her story one day but until then this day will have a sting in my heart.

 I love rejoicing on this day with those dear people in my life who have entered into motherhood.  I love watching my friends mother their sweet children. Every year I've  had such an anticipation of the day the deepest desire of my heart would be fulfilled and I would become a mom. I have always felt like, then, my life would be complete. I have longed for a family and every Mother's Day for the past 10 years I have prayed that would be the last one in which I would be single. This year was especially hard because for the first time I faced the reality that my deepest desire may never be fulfilled. I may never get to experience the joys of motherhood... And that makes my heart ache in a way I cannot explain.

Yesterday I read this article. A letter to a pastor from a non-mom about Mother's Day. I could not have said it better myself. There are so many times that I have felt "less than" because I am a 30-something single female without children. I often get the questions "Are you married? Have any kids?" When I answer "Nope, it's just me", I can see the look of pity on their faces and watch as they stumble to come up with what to say next.

 My heart aches on this day as motherhood is celebrated, I am so thankful for those women who mother well...That should be celebrated! But my heart hurts with the thought that I may never have that badge of honor.

So today I rejoice with those who are rejoicing and I mourn with those who are mourning.

Thankful for today 5.10.13

I have been amazed over the past few weeks how God has answered so many specific prayers that I have prayed. I am so thankful that God answers prayers! So today my 5 things I'm thankful for are truly answered prayers!

1)  Since I have moved to Fort Worth I have prayed for community. I have had seasons of really sweet community and fellowship but none like this current season. The Lord has blessed me recently with really sweet friendships that have been such an answer to this prayer! Every Monday I get the opportunity to spend my {extended} lunch break with one of these sweet friends. We have spent the last 4 months studying Gods word together and digging into each others lives. We spend our Mondays laughing and crying and learning more about God. It's become my favorite time of most every week!

2)  Children! It's been so sweet how the Lord has brought sweet little children into my life whom I just love and adore. I have loved spending time with my friends children and watching them grow. I think that's one of the greatest parts of living in community. I love holding the little bits and hearing them coo, my heart melts hearing these little ones call my name, and I just love rejoicing with my friends as they are expecting! I have struggled with the idea that I may never have a family of my own but The Lord has been so sweet to give me put these sweet children in my life in which my heart overflows for!

3) Being able to {really truly} rejoice with a sweet  friend as she got engaged. My dear friend Kati got engaged to an amazing man 2 weeks ago. My eyes filled with tears and my heart overflowed with joy when I heard the words "I'm getting married" come out of her mouth. It has been so sweet to walk with her and pray with her in this journey as she has prayed for her husband and I will be honored to stand up on July 7th in support of this marriage!

4) For how God has drawn me back to Him. These past few years have been hard! I don't think I realized how hard they were until now. I am realizing now how far I had drifted from the God I loved. It's been so sweet to be drawn back into His presence!

5) Ever since I spent 18 months at Heartlight my heart has been burdened to walk alongside people who are struggling. I have wanted to love people in the midst of the hardness of life and I have wanted to enter into the lives of those who are hurting and love them well. That was the motivation for getting my Social Work degrees and what drew me to working at MCOT. When I was given the opportunity to move into administration I really struggled with leaving direct care. I am in constant awe of how God is using the gifts He has given me and the desires He has laid on my heart to walk alongside my staff in hard times. I love that in my position I can really support my staff in a sweet way and that I can provide them with love and support. The people I work with really have become like family to me. I mourn when they mourn and I rejoice when they rejoice. I L-O-V-E how God knew this job would be the answer to my prayers I began praying almost 10 years ago!

Thankful for Today 3.17.13

1) Spring weather! It has been beautiful around here this past week, mid-70's and sunny. I have enjoyed sitting outside reading, journaling and just watching the pups run and play in the backyard. I love this time of year, things began to turn green again, life is sprouted from the ground and I can just enjoy the beauty of creation!

2) Food trucks and the gathering of them at the food truck parks. Last night I met some friends at Clear Fork Food Truck park for supper. It's has become one of my favorite new places to go. I took Daisy with me and she enjoyed seeing all the other dogs and families. I got a sandwich from Gorgonzilla... It had Munster cheese, creamy goat cheese, peppered bacon, spinach and grilled mushrooms on it... AMAZING!

3) My home group. Last August I officially changed churches, I am now a covenant member at The Village Church. It has been such an amazing transition in my life! As a result I've become a part of a home group. We currently meet Sunday mornings (The Village is launching a new campus here in Fort worth and only have a 5:00pm service right now). It been so amazing to live life on life with these people. We meet about a mile from my house and just dig into what God is teaching us. It has been so good for my heart!

4) Good movies! I saw Oz-The great and powerful today.... SO GOOD! I haven't seen a movie in the theater in a long time and this one was well worth it!

5) Another relaxing weekend!

New Season

I feel like I'm in a season of regrowth and new beginnings. I'm in such an interesting place in life. I'll be 32 in three weeks. I never thought this is what life would look like at 32. I always pictured myself married with the beginnings of a family by this point. I sat back and watched this happen for the majority of my friends and have dreamt of the day I would be the one in the pretty white dress. That day has yet to come and about 3 months ago I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do... I surrendered! I laid the desire of a husband, of a family, down at the foot of the cross. I spent the next month crying, as I mourned the loss of that desire, it was such a hard time and yet I had such comfort in knowing that I was being obedient to what Christ was asking me to do. In my obedience the pit of loneliness has been taken from my soul.  My eyes began to be opened to the renewed joy that was in my heart. For the first time since I can remember I was able to rejoice with friends in the news they were expecting. The twinge of bitterness never even showed his face! The hurt is being healed at the root and is sprouting new life within me. I long to see what will grow out of this season!

Relationships...

The Lord has been teaching me so many things lately and has me in such a sweet spot. He has been showing me a lot about relationships lately, my relationship with God, my relationships with friends and my desire for a relationship with the man who may become my husband. Over the past few years I have really struggled with loneliness... I have had this pit of loneliness in my heart and have sought out all the wrong ways to fill that pit, only for it deepen.

I have been so hurt by the invitations that did not come, the Facebook pictures I was not in, the phone calls I did not receive, and the lonely nights I spent at home. I have wanted so badly to be known and yet I ran away from the only one who will ever truly know me

About 3 months ago I had an amazing encounter with The Lord, He has opened my eyes and heart to so many things. He has drawn me closer and closer to Himself in the lack of earthly relationships. He has allowed me to fall more and more in love with Him. And in the midst of that has brought me sweet fellowship and community. I once again feel like I have people to walk through life with and have community. It's been amazing to look back over the past few months and realize that the pit of loneliness has been filled by the only One who can fill it and out of that has come so many blessings!. I have had a true joy in my heart and have been able really live in the here and now.

I am so thankful for those friendships that have lasted the test of time. Those friendships that no matter the time we can pick up right where we left off. Those friendships that are more like family than anything. Those friendships in which I can laugh, cry, be known and still be loved.

I still get that twinge of jealousy (or bitterness) in my heart when I am faced with the reality that people I once called my closest friends have moved  on and I no longer hold that title in their lives; I am also thankful that God is in the business of restoration!