Happy {?} Mother's Day

Mother's Day has always been a hard day for me. I have never "known" my mom. Sure I spent two weeks every summer and a week at Christmas with her until I moved in with her full time at the age of 11, I then cohabited with her until I was 16, but I don't really know who she is. We have never had the typical mother/daughter relationship. We have both hurt each other and there have been years that have passed with no communication amongst us. Mother's Day has always reminded me of that hurt and every year has been a bitter-sweet day for me. My heart aches every year on this day that I don't know who my mother is, I long to hear her story one day but until then this day will have a sting in my heart.

 I love rejoicing on this day with those dear people in my life who have entered into motherhood.  I love watching my friends mother their sweet children. Every year I've  had such an anticipation of the day the deepest desire of my heart would be fulfilled and I would become a mom. I have always felt like, then, my life would be complete. I have longed for a family and every Mother's Day for the past 10 years I have prayed that would be the last one in which I would be single. This year was especially hard because for the first time I faced the reality that my deepest desire may never be fulfilled. I may never get to experience the joys of motherhood... And that makes my heart ache in a way I cannot explain.

Yesterday I read this article. A letter to a pastor from a non-mom about Mother's Day. I could not have said it better myself. There are so many times that I have felt "less than" because I am a 30-something single female without children. I often get the questions "Are you married? Have any kids?" When I answer "Nope, it's just me", I can see the look of pity on their faces and watch as they stumble to come up with what to say next.

 My heart aches on this day as motherhood is celebrated, I am so thankful for those women who mother well...That should be celebrated! But my heart hurts with the thought that I may never have that badge of honor.

So today I rejoice with those who are rejoicing and I mourn with those who are mourning.