26...GONE!

Well it's official... I can longer say that I am 26 years old. I have hit the big 2-7! I've spent a lot of time over the past couple of weeks thinking about what April 5th 2008 would bring. I have learned that I need to prepare my mind and heart for my birthday well in advance, this year being no exception. You see for most people their birthdays are a joyous event spent with friends and family, rejoicing over the fact that they were born. As for me, that's not always been the case. In fact my birthday is the one day of the year I feel the most forgotten. I have ever since I was 11 years old. That was the last birthday that was really special to me, I remember it clearly. We went to Skatin' World and I won the toilet seat race. I thought it was the best day ever. My dad always tried to make that day special for me. My mom never did, in fact it was shocking if she even acknowledged it was my birthday. As I grew older I felt more and more forgotten. It has been five years now since I've received so much as a card from her. These past 4 have been the hardest for me. I am reminded each year that I do not have a mother who will call, I don't have a family to celebrate with, I am reminded of the words that were burned into my heart that day my mother told me what she thinks of on my birthday, and on that one day of the year I have to fight harder than ever to keep away the lies that I'm not worthy of love. I thought this year would be different... and it was, in some ways.

This year the forgotteness and hurt did not come from my mom. All day long I was fine, I think I have done a lot of healing in the past year or so. I know that the things my mom thinks about me are not truth and I have made the right decision to not be a part of her life. This was the first year I was ok with not having that family to celebrate with. But I was hurt and I did feel forgotten, just not by the people I would have expected. There are people in my life, people I interacted with throughout the day, who did not even wish me a happy birthday. There was a phone call from a friend whom I thought was calling to wish me a happy birthday, nope she was calling to see if I wanted to go to the birthday party of another friend. There were just some very hard times within the day. I was surrounded by bitter feelings and tension. I felt like the last place the people I was with wanted to be was where we were at. I felt like spending time with me was an obligation for most of those around me. Maybe I was falling into some lies but there was without a doubt some hurtful things throughout the day. At the very least there was not much love surrounding me. I am so very thankful for the love that was around me. For the phone calls and encouraging words. Thanks to those of you who told me they were glad I was born... I needed to hear those things so much!

I've spent the day thinking and wondering if things will ever be different for me. How different do I need things to be in order for me to be o.k.?!?! And honestly I don't know, and besides what does it even mean for me to be o.k!?!? I'm coming to the conclusion that maybe just maybe things will never look differently and I need to suck it up and learn to be o.k. with this, with what I've got. With the loneliness and being forgotten. I know that I am loved and cherished by my Savior... maybe that's all I get. I have a handful of people in my life who I know love me but some of these same people are the ones who hurt me, and I'm sure at times I have hurt them. I know that this all stems out of my own selfishness, I want to feel wanted, I want to be remembered, I want to be known, I want to be loved... But really, what right do I have to any of these things?!?! Just because it's my birthday does not mean that I deserve these things... Maybe I'll figure things out in the next 363 days and April 5th 2009 won't be such a hard day for me.