Ok so I know I just wrote a blog a few hours ago, but honestly that wasn't a real blog so I feel justified writting another one now. And besides I got a lot on my mind and heart right now.
I don't even really know where to begin. Honestly this is going to be very jumbled but I feel as though my thoughts are very jumbled right now. I feel as though the Lord is trying to teach me so much right now and honestly I'm a bit overwhelmed. I just returned from a night of worship at church. My cheeks are tear stained and I heart less burdened. I was able to sit with the Lord tonight and pour out my heart. I was able to say the things to Him that have been building up in my heart over the past few weeks. I was able to fall on my face and truely surrender. How silly I am to truely try to keep so much in my heart. To try to keep my sins, desires, hurts and frustrations hidden from the Lord.
So here is a glimpse into my heart...
Every year at this time I really begun to stuggle with Truth and I don't really know why. Every year about this time I begin to think about how messy my life is. How there is so much in my past that I am ashamed of, of the many times I have walked away from the Lord and made dumb decisions. I always begin to wonder if people really knew those things about me would they still love me? And am I even really worthy of love?!?! I continue to fear that I am still that person and I will never be the woman that God has called me to be. Ever since I was young I have been told that I am not worthy to be loved, That I will never amount to anything and I continue to believe those lies. I know it is silly because the people I have trusted the most and who know those dark things from my past are the people in my life who love me the most.
I often put on the mask of I'm ok, when I'm really hurting so deeply inside. I've had that mask on for the past few weeks. Here is my time to take it off. Here is the time to say I'm not ok, but because of my ability to say that, I know I will be ok. The Lord has so sweetly reached out His hand and is helping me out of this pit. I don't know how long it will take but I know that the only way out is to cling to Him. In that clinging He has put people into my life that I can share these burdens with, people who will encourage me in this journey. People I am so very thankful for!
I have been saying for the past week or so that I think God is out to get me, to draw me closer to Him. After tonight I know that is true... and He's got me. He keeps telling me the same thing over and over. Every talk I've heard and everytime I open my Bible I am reminded that He is good, He is soverign and that I need to believe that I am a new creation in Him. He wants me fully and completely surrendered to Him. But still I struggle... what does that look like?!?! How do I do that daily?!?! I still don't know the answers but I do know that I will be ok, I don't need to struggle alone.
I met the sister of a friend of mine last night. We interacted for maybe 5 minutes and today my friend told me that she said that I was the happiest person she had ever met. She had never met anyone with as much joyfulness or happiness. And earlier in the week a co-worker asked me how I can be so nice. She said she's never met anyone else who was truely and geniunly as nice as I was. As I was thinking about this today I was shocked. I feel like this has been a really hard week for me, I have hurt inside and yet the Lord still fills me with joy. May I continue to be filled with that joy and happiness that it overflows to those around me.
May the words of an old hymn resound in my heart in the days to come...
O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.
Weekend Randoms
8 years ago
4 comments:
Jen - I don't know you, but I recognize a heart turned in hunger toward God. I just wanted to say what He has been saying to me - that He love us, no matter what we struggle with, and no matter what we do. Hard to believe, but a freedom of truth.
Hey, friend. I'm sorry you're tormented by your feelings; I know that can suck. But truly, you are one of the most devoted people I know, to both your Lord and your friends. I hope you will reach out to me if you need someone to talk to. Love you lots and lots!
I find it's the times I'm struggling the most, maybe evedn down the most, that people make those kind of comments and I'm so blown away.
Such a relief that even when I (we) feel like we're stuck....God continuously reveals himself, especially through us.......makes it all the more clearer that it's Him working, huh?!?!
Love you Jen
Yeo
jen, i just reread your blog. It truly blows me away that you don't believe that you can be loved. Though I understand a bit of where that comes from, my history is not nearly as hurtful as yours and still it is a struggle of mine. But you truly are one of the easiest people to love. This comes from one of the things you yourself said. You have intuition about people. When we feel understood it is easy to love. You undestand so well and most of the time this comes through the love that you show. You know what we need and when we need it. It is easy to love when this is the case. I see your goal comming true even though you don't see it yourself. I know that this will be true for you.
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