Christmas...

Christmas is two weeks away... and yet I continue to pretend like it is not the holiday season, because then I don't have to relive the pain of Christmas past. The two hardest days of the year, every year, are Christmas and April 5th, my birthday. Here I am, less than 2 weeks away from this day that I know will be a hard one. Today was the first day I allowed myself to cry and mourn over it. I sit here on my couch with tear stained cheecks and with a pain in my heart. How I long to forget the past, to forget the things that were said to me and about me on this once precious day in my life. There has not been a Christmas in over 7 years that I have not cried myself to sleep longing for something different. Longing to be loved by my family, longing to forget the pain.

With that said I do LOVE Christmas! I get to spend it each year with amazing people, we laugh and have a good time and they are the people in my life who truely love me. I look forward to spending this time with them each year, it's just afterwards when I'm all alone that my minds wanders back to the pain. I always think that this year is going to be different. But I know deep down that it will not be, and now as the tears have already begun to fall I know that it will not be. I will laugh, and I will cry but I will remember to rejoice for the things that I do have.

The dream...

Well here I sit in the Kansas City airport waiting to board my plane to head back to Texas. It has been an amazing weekend filled with fun times with old friends. I went back to Minnesota this weekend to attend a wedding of a good friend of mine.

So last Thursday I got on a plane and flew into Kansas City. Bob and Nat picked me up and we headed towards Des Moines to stay with Melissa. It was a fun reunion with people that I love dearly. I felt the cold air on my skin and enjoyed the sweet conservations with these friends. We got to Melissa's, ate ice cream and went to bed. Friday morning we headed toward the great state of Minnesota. Once there we went to Perkins and then to Caribu Coffee. For those of you who don't know Caribu is a coffee shop up in that neck of the woods. We spent the next few hours there doing homework (I know it was suspose to be a vacation but school is still in session!) Then Mandi picked Melissa and I up and Bob and Nat went to the Groom's supper. We went shopping to get wedding presents (I know, I know waiting till the last minute! I did much better than I am doing with Em's present though which is ALMOST done! I'll get it to them soon, only a few *6* months late!)

After that we met up with Lindsey and went back to Mandi's where we played an amazing game of Girl Talk. It is so funny how I, as a 26 year old woman can revert back to 11 when playing this game! Oh how I LOVE it! We went to bed way to late and woke up way to early. We went to Macy's to get makeovers before the wedding. Since the wedding was at 11:00 am we had to be a Macy's by 8:45 am! We got our makeovers and headed to the church. As we got outside we realized it had begun to snow. It was beautiful!

Well we got to the church, said Hi to Joshua and sat down. What a blessing it was to be able to witness Joshua marry his bride Rose. It was a beautiful wedding (except when Joshua's sister passed out... that was a little crazy!) The Barta wedding was VERY different from the wedding I have been dreaming about for 26 years but yet beautiful and perfect for them! It was so fun to be surrounded by people so dear to my heart! I do love how weddings bring us all back together! We were released from the wedding at 2:45 and from there braved the snow to go to Joel's for the day.

It was such a sweet time to spend with friends I haven't seen in such a long time! It was a good time. It was hard for me at times, just as it is always hard for me to be in a large group of people but I made it though and am thankful for the time I had with these people. What a fun time!

It's crazy to think that I am all grown up! All my friends are getting married, my other friends are showing up pregnant I'm going to be 27 this year. It so crazy! This is not what I thought my life would look like at 27 but yet I am blessed by so many things! I do dream of the day when it's going to be my turn!

It really IS a small world...

Walt Disney was correct when he said it is a small world after all! I am continually amazed by how many connections there are with people. I would not be surprised if it is true that everyone is separated by 7 degrees. This weekend I had another small world experience and I'm very excited about it.

So I was on Facebook on Friday going to leave my friend Kai a message. Kai is a sweet friend that I met at new staff training in the summer of '06. We bonded over the 6 weeks we spent in Orlando and realized that we were both from Minnesota. During support raising we were able to spend some time together and encourage one another. I was leaving her a message to see if she was going to be home at Christmas time. I was hoping that we would be able to find some time to get together. Well as I was leaving her a message I noticed that the person that left a message below me was from someone in the Dallas/Fort Worth network. It said something about Kai coming to visit her. As I looked closer I realized that this was the wife of Chris the missions pastor at my church, the pastor that I had just met, the pastor that I'm going to Thailand with in March! It was crazy! I saw Chris at church yesterday and had some questions about Thailand. I then told him about our connection. He said that Kai was infact coming to visit and that he and his wife would love to have me over for supper one night. What a fun connection!

I am constantly amazed at how small the world is after all. It seems that we always have a fun story of meeting so and so who knows so and so. I do love the moment of Ah-ha I know that person too! I'm excited to spend time with a sweet friend this week, someone who will be in town due to this fun connection.

On a similar note within the next two weeks I will be seeing so many of my dear friends from back home and I am EXCITED! I'm flying out next Thursday to Kansas City, from there I will drive with Bob and Natalie to Des Monies to pick up Melissa and then on our way Minneapolis. I'm excited to see so many of the people so dear to my heart! It's crazy how much a person can miss people!

My family...

So in one of my classes the othe day we were talking about the defination of family. We decided that it is not limited to those related to you by blood or marriage. I just sat there thinking how very true that was. I sat there and thought of those I consider my family and only two people who are related to me would be on that list. When I tell people that I'm going home for Christmas to spend time with my family, that family is actually Emily, Les and the rest of that crew. They have become much more of a family to me than then my "real" family ever did.

I consider so many of my sweet friends my family. I will repeat what I said in my last blog, I am so very blessed to have AMAZING friends! Those people who love me know me and love me for who I am.

Well with all this said... I was sitting at On the Border Tuesday with the girls, it was right after we had talked about families in class, and my phone rings. The number on it is a number from my home town Vero Beach, fl. I don't answer it becasue I think it's rude to talk on the phone when your with people. So anyhow I check the message a little while later, it's my brother. Now it's been almost a year since I've talked to him so I pretty much know something is wrong. Anyhow I call him back, and we chat for awhile (and for those of you who know anything about Marc the update is he sounds SO good! He's been sober for 3 weeks now. He has 10 months to serve which he will do after Christmas). And then he tells me that mom has been diagonsed with breast cancer. I don't really know what to say to that. He continues to tell me what is gonna happen (surgery etc...) Then she comes out to where he is and begins saying all kinds of stuff about it. She is obvisouly drunk and she is repeating everything she says like 5 times. She goes on for awhile about me going in to get checked out yada yada yada... Then she says "Tell her I love her even though she doesn't want me to" This statement made me SO mad. All I have ever wanted was for her to love me and she may say the words but her actions always show elsewise. So anyhow thats that. I don't know what to do with the info. I made a decision to not be a part of her life until she stops choosing her addictions over me (which she hasn't) and so I know for the protection of my heart I can't be there for her in this. It was so weird though cause it was the first time I've heard her voice in almost 3 years. It reminded me that I've made the right decision.

So I thank you all who are reading this whom I consider I family. You know who you are and I love you!

Willie and Friends...

Yes I know it has been awhile since I've been on here. I must admit that the last few weeks have been crazy in my life. Things are on the up and up and I have realized one thing, I am truely blessed by the people in my life. These last few weeks/months have been hard and it's been amazing to see how my friends have rallied around me. It has been so good to see people whom I love and spend time just being with them. Here are a few of the highlights from the past few weeks...

A few weeks back my roommate and I ventured our way over to Little Rock. She was going to record with Sean Michel (You may remember him from American Idol this past season). And I was excited to spend a little time with Les and Jonathon (my sister in spirit and her husband) We really didn't do much, but it was so good to just be with people so dear to my heart. It was a fun weekend. Arianne and I laughed a lot with (and often times at) Sean. We had some good conservations and it was just all around a good weekend.

Every Tuesday night we have girls night in Mansfield. This is always a highlight of my week. We go to On the Border and order margaritas and appitizers. It is our time for the 6 of us (my roommates plus Sarah and Theresa) to catch up and to laugh and to enjoy our time together. We often go back to Sarah and Theresa's and hang out. It is always such a sweet time.

Last weekend my dear friend Melissa came down to visit. It was my first visitor from home and it was so good to see her. While she was here we went to go see Willie Nelson and Pat Green (and a bunch of others) in concert. I now offically feel like I am a Texan. There was about 11 of us who went, we sat on the lawn, played games and listened to good (and some not so good) music. It was a fun day and night!

So those are a few of the fun things going on in my life. Novemeber is going to fly by. I have a LOT of stuff due in the next few weeks. So a majority of my time will be spent writing papers and putting together presentations. I look forward to this semester being over. After my last final I am planning on getting into my Jeep and heading north. I'm coming home for a month. I will hopfully be up in Minnesota by December 14th. I'm looking forward to spending time with so many people dear to my heart. I'm sad to be leaving my roomies and friends down here but I'm so excited about being back in Minnesota!

SO that's my update... I'm gonna try to be on here more often.

Twenty-six and a half...

I realized the other day that last Friday was my half birthday and with that it made me think about a few things...

When did we stop celebrating and proclaiming half birthdays?!?! I very distinctly remember telling people proudly that I was 5 and a half years old. And now I hold onto every day of each year. I will be 26 until 11:59 on April 4, 2008! I just wonder when in life this happens. I'm think mid-twenties. Growing up I always wanted to be older. I wanted to be 13 so I could be a teenager. I wanted to be 16 so I could drive. I wanted to be 18 so I could "be an adult". I wanted to be 21 to be able to drink. After that there weren't many big milestones. Now each year I just feel like I'm getting older.

I don't think I would have a problem with getting old except that I often just think that my life doesn't look anything like what I thought it would at 26. I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing, it is just different. There has been a lot of talk about regrets among the blogging world in the past month and it has made me think. Do I regret things I have done (or didn't do) in the past. No and in the same breath yes. I don't regret not marrying the man I thought I loved when I was 20. I don't regret transferring schools 5 times. The things I do regret is not investing in people as much as I would have liked. I regret that I've hurt people in the past. But for the most part I'm happy with where I'm at.

Another thing that I pictured differently at 26 is that I always pictured myself married by now. A lot of my friends are married at this point and as of recently my friends here in Texas have begun dating. It's just made me wonder when will it be my turn?!?! I am so happy for the girls as they have found great guys to hang out, I just miss that and want it! So I continue to wait...

So here I am, 26 1/2 years old, single and still in school. I'm so excited about where I am in life. I love the people that I live with and am around. I really enjoy my job and coworkers! I am enjoying school. I do love where I am at, it just looks differently than what I thought life would look like at this stage. I feel as though these next 6 months will fly by and then I'll be 27... Ahh the story continues!

My weekly highlight and odd day

Wow it has been a bit of a crazy week! I do love my Sundays though! Sundays for me are a time to wind down, a time to rest, a time to nap, a time to be refreshed, a time to catch up with friends and a time to just enjoy. I have enjoyed doing all of those things today and it was a well needed refreshment after a bit of a crazy week.

Highlight of the week: Thursday! My roommates and I went over to our friends house to watch The Office. We don't have cable or any channels at all at our house so we decided that we will have weekly times over there. Anyhow we watched The Office and laughed a lot... but that was just the beginning. Afterwards we decided to play Girl Talk! Which if you don't know is basically a game of truth or dare straight out the 80's. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. From Arianne walking around the room holding her ankles clucking like a chicken to Holly calling a boy to tell him a bedtime story to Theresa's painted nails and many Zit stickers (which you get if you don't answer) to my many phone calls. We laughed so hard! I was such a good night, so much fun! We then put in a movie and fell asleep. It was like we were 13 again and having a sleep over. Which are always the best!

Most odd day: Friday. Let me tell you the reasons why...

1) Arianne played at Starbucks which was really good. She did an amazing job! She even made me cry a little, twice. She wrote this one song that I love and that is so true of my heart right now. You should go listen to it here It's called She said He said. It speaks my heart right now. So I cried a little (big surprise!), and that was a bit odd since there were a lot people I barely knew there and some of people I work with... so that was a little odd.

2) I saw an old friend at the show. He was a very good friend of mine while I lived at Heartlight and we have lost touch over the past year and half or so. He has been struggling through some things and has pulled away and yet even after two years apart it was so good to see him. It was so good to hug him, it felt so normal, so comfortable, and it made me realize how much I miss him. Odd how someone can be such a big part of your life and then not be and yet it feels so familiar after the time apart

3) We got a call about halfway through the show from Theresa. She was playing softball with the church we've been going to. She called to tell us that she broke her leg and the ambulance was on the way to take her to the hospital. We all rode together to the show and therefore couldn't leave until after the show. I hated the fact that I couldn't do anything. I know how sweet it is to have friends at the hospital with you and she was there with all these random people she just met. I so wanted to be there with her. After the show Sarah and I did go up there, I stayed a few hours and then had to go home. My heart aches knowing that she is in so much pain and just having to sit in bed for a week. Odd how similar Theresa and I with some things and how we understand each other in such a sweet way. Odd that in the past month 2 out of the 6 close friends here have been in the hospital...

4) I had a bit of an anxiety attack after coming home from the hospital. I think that everything just came up. My life, my stress etc... My medical bills started being processed this week and I'm really not excited to start getting the bills. So far the grand total is $38,820! Oh how I praise the Lord that I have insurance!!! I was up all night sick and having a bit of an anxiety attack (which has been happening more and more lately...) Odd how I can feel so out of control of my emotions...

So anyhow there are a few of the days of my week. Hopefully I'll have exciting things to report this week! I should begin volunteering this week but I don't know what my work schedule looks like yet. I will keep you updated

My jumbled heart...

Ok so I know I just wrote a blog a few hours ago, but honestly that wasn't a real blog so I feel justified writting another one now. And besides I got a lot on my mind and heart right now.

I don't even really know where to begin. Honestly this is going to be very jumbled but I feel as though my thoughts are very jumbled right now. I feel as though the Lord is trying to teach me so much right now and honestly I'm a bit overwhelmed. I just returned from a night of worship at church. My cheeks are tear stained and I heart less burdened. I was able to sit with the Lord tonight and pour out my heart. I was able to say the things to Him that have been building up in my heart over the past few weeks. I was able to fall on my face and truely surrender. How silly I am to truely try to keep so much in my heart. To try to keep my sins, desires, hurts and frustrations hidden from the Lord.

So here is a glimpse into my heart...

Every year at this time I really begun to stuggle with Truth and I don't really know why. Every year about this time I begin to think about how messy my life is. How there is so much in my past that I am ashamed of, of the many times I have walked away from the Lord and made dumb decisions. I always begin to wonder if people really knew those things about me would they still love me? And am I even really worthy of love?!?! I continue to fear that I am still that person and I will never be the woman that God has called me to be. Ever since I was young I have been told that I am not worthy to be loved, That I will never amount to anything and I continue to believe those lies. I know it is silly because the people I have trusted the most and who know those dark things from my past are the people in my life who love me the most.

I often put on the mask of I'm ok, when I'm really hurting so deeply inside. I've had that mask on for the past few weeks. Here is my time to take it off. Here is the time to say I'm not ok, but because of my ability to say that, I know I will be ok. The Lord has so sweetly reached out His hand and is helping me out of this pit. I don't know how long it will take but I know that the only way out is to cling to Him. In that clinging He has put people into my life that I can share these burdens with, people who will encourage me in this journey. People I am so very thankful for!

I have been saying for the past week or so that I think God is out to get me, to draw me closer to Him. After tonight I know that is true... and He's got me. He keeps telling me the same thing over and over. Every talk I've heard and everytime I open my Bible I am reminded that He is good, He is soverign and that I need to believe that I am a new creation in Him. He wants me fully and completely surrendered to Him. But still I struggle... what does that look like?!?! How do I do that daily?!?! I still don't know the answers but I do know that I will be ok, I don't need to struggle alone.

I met the sister of a friend of mine last night. We interacted for maybe 5 minutes and today my friend told me that she said that I was the happiest person she had ever met. She had never met anyone with as much joyfulness or happiness. And earlier in the week a co-worker asked me how I can be so nice. She said she's never met anyone else who was truely and geniunly as nice as I was. As I was thinking about this today I was shocked. I feel like this has been a really hard week for me, I have hurt inside and yet the Lord still fills me with joy. May I continue to be filled with that joy and happiness that it overflows to those around me.

May the words of an old hymn resound in my heart in the days to come...

O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

I've been tagged...

Seven Things I Plan (Desire) To Do Before I Die:
1. Travel overseas more! I've spent a summer in Brasil and L-O-V-E-D it! I plan on spending many more summers, spring break or whenever I have a break overseas. In fact I am praying about going to Thailand in the spring. My church (I'm excited that I can say those words!) is going over my spring break and I really want to go!
2. Hopefully get married. Although this is not in the in the foreseeable future I must confess this is a huge desire of my heart.
3. Have a house large enough that I can open it up to people that are struggling. I would love to take it teens who don't have anywhere else that they can go.
4. Finish my Masters in Social Work. I'm so excited to do what I desire to do (ie working with people and push them to a better place.) But I know that I must finish up with the schooling first. Weird to think that I almost be 30 before I finish...
5. Visit all 50 states. I'm over half way done but I haven't even ventured out to the west coast. Las Vegas is the furthest west I've been.
6. Love well! To have an influence in the lives of women as my mentors have had in my life. May I one day be a Jan Gregston or Sue Roise in someones life.
7. Have children. I don't know exactly what this will look like. I don't know if I will ever be able to have biological children for a few reasons... 1) refer back to question #2... First comes marriage, then come baby. 2) I have polycystic ovaries and therefore will have a hard time having children when that time comes (but I know God is way bigger than polyscystic ovaries and therefore and thing is possible!) But adaption can always be an option for me.

Seven Things I Can Do:
1. Journal with the best of them. I have been know to journal 38 pages in one day (Ahh post Heartlight days!)
2. Make a mean Caramel Macchiato. It's one of the perks on working st Starbucks.
3. Know things about people. I don't know why or how but I just have great intuition about people. I usually know when people are pregnant before they tell anyone. I was able to know when my girls were hiding something from me, and I often just know when something is going on with those close to me. I just know things... it's weird sometimes!
4. Perserve. If you know anything about me, you know that I have had some hard times and through all that I have learned how to perserve.
5. Buy/wear kids shoes. It's the perk of having tiny feet! I have been know to have pink light up barbie shoes (they were my fav!)
6. Cook. I do pride myself in being able to cook well. I really enjoy cooking for others and often don't get the chance. One of the things I look forwards to about having a family!
7. Crochet. I truly enjoy making and creating new things. It feels so good to complete something and see the finished product.

Seven Things I Can't Do:
1. Sing well. I enjoy to belt it out like the best of them... but you don't want to be around when I do because I am no good. I do have one friend who likes when I sing. In his words, "I love it when you sing because you are so bad and you know it, and yet you do it anyhow!" I wasn't really sure how to respond to that.
2. Take the antibiotic Cipro and not make a visit to the hospital.
3. Keep a plant alive. I do not have a green thumb. I kill everything green. I am working on this though. I bought a bamboo shoot and am hoping it makes it. I know that bamboo is almost impossible to kill... but I say almost cause I've done it in the past.
4. Understand why I'm the blacksheep of my family.
5. Be in the presence of tuna. The smell makes me sick. I just can't do it!
6. Wakeboard. I have tried and tried and tried and I just can't get up... it frustrates me SO much!
7. Live so far away from so many of the people I love and not miss them more and more everyday!

Seven Things That Attract Me to People:
1. Honesty
2. Love
3. Compassion
4. Sense of Humor
5. Realness
6. Joy
7. A good perfume or cologne :-)

Seven Things I Say Most: 1. I'm just a short kid
2. I love you!
3. Tricky... (Em are you still saying it?!?!)
4. Hi! Thanks for stopping at Starbucks, this is Jen, how are you doing today?
5. Can I interest you in a Pumpkin Spice Latte?
6. How was your day?
7. y'all

Seven Celebrity Crushes:
1. Matt Wertz (just to update ,I'm pretty sure he is going to propose when I go see his show on Oct. 12) Ahh.... if only dreams came true!
2. Matt Wertz
3. Matt Wertz
4. Matt Wertz
5. Matt Wertz
6. Matt Wertz
7. Matt Wertz

Seven People I am tagging:
1. Les (I''m with Emily on this one... so that she will start blogging)
2. Whoever
3. else
4. would
5. like
6. to!
7. Love ya!

A good day...

So I must say that I had a good day yesterday. In fact I would say it was one of the best days I have had in a REALLY long time. It was so simple and yet so good! Let me relive it with you...

We (as in Holly, and I) woke up and jumped in bed with Theresa where we just chatted for awhile. Then we got up and I made pancakes for breakfast (who knew Biscuit pancakes were so much better than the just add water type?!?!) We then got dressed and went to the bookstore for Holly to get some stuff for her class and for Theresa and I to pick out a Bible study to start together. We decided on Beth Moore's A Woman's heart. As we were checking out I saw two more books that I had been wanting to get (What's so amazing about grace? and Velvet Elvis) and they were only $5 each so I grabbed them. Then we left and got in the car to drive 45 minutes west of Fort Worth to Lake Mineral Wells. As we drove we rolled down the windows and turned up the music and just enjoyed the beautiful weather.

At Mineral Wells we rented Kayaks and spent the next 3 1/2 hours on the lake enjoying God's beauty and each other's company. I LOVED those 3 1/2 hours! We had some fun adventures, ie me flipping the kayak and Theresa and I trying to swim in to shore to flip it back over and when that didn't work, hanging on to Holly's Kayak while she tried to pull both of us along with our kayaks to shore! Finally a nice fisherman came to help us. It caused LOTS of laughs. My favorite part of the day was the conservations we had. It was so good to just be still and catch up with dear friends. To hear how their hearts are doing and to share my heart with them. It was good to talk about what God is doing in our lives and what He is trying to teach us. What we are struggling with and how we can encourage one another in those struggles. It was so good and it reminded how much I value true friendship like that!

When we got home we cooked hot dogs out on my new grill and ate Holly's famous Guacamole. We then showered and went to my Starbucks. We chatted with my coworkers for awhile, got our drinks and I spent the next couple of hours journaling and reading. It was so good. We then headed home exhausted from a day in the sun. Holly went straight to bed while Theresa stayed up and read for while longer. We then prayed together and then went to bed.

I was just a good day... Good to spend time with dear friends... Good to be in the midst of God's beautiful creation... Good to feel in the presence of God... Good to spend time hearing from God through prayer... Good to feel loved and to be in fellowship! I hope that I have more of these days in the near future!

To love well...

I feel like my mind and heart have been in a million different places over the past week. I am continuing to process through everything that has happened. I have realized how short life really is and how there are so many things that I put off until "tomorrow". Well I've decided to make today my tomorrow.

My roommate Holly and I were talking about love the other day. It is amazing how the slightest amount of love can change someones life. How one compliment can change someones day. And also how the lack of love can cause permanent damage and holes in one's heart. I have experienced both of these things, and I believe that through it I am beginning to learn how to love well.

One of the things I have realized is that I am not using my gifts and talents. I am not living out the desires of my heart. If someone were to ask me what I truely have a passion for I would answer working with people, especially younger women. For some reason I have the ability to love others and live in compassion for people. I love to walk alongside women and girls who are struggling. I love to serve others. As I look at my life currently people would not know this about me because I am so consumed in myself. This is where I want to change. I want to use the gifts and compassion the Lord has given me to help others.

So I have decided to volunteer at an after-school program in the inner-city. I will be going in and mentoring high school girls who just need someone to love them. I pray that I may step outside of myself and serve and love these young women!

I hope that when people look at my life they will say, "She loves well!"

Where I live...

I thought I would put up a few pics of my new home. Yes my room is very girly, but hey what can I say I'm a girl!

Can't wait for you to come visit! I love visitors!!

The story continues....

These last few weeks have been crazy for me, a lot has happened and I've realized that it's hard that so many people I love and care for are so far away from me right now. I feel like people don't know what is going on in my life and that makes me sad. I have been reading my best friend's blog for a few months now and I love knowing what is going on with her and so I thought I would take a number from her book and do the same. I don't know how well I am going to be about keeping up with it but I'm going to try.

For those of you who know me well know that my life could be a lifetime movie. Well these past three weeks will only add to the storyline. I got back to Texas a few weeks ago after visiting some dear friends in Arkansas. The visit did not go as expected due to the untimely death of one of their pets. I'm glad that I was there to be able to help in the little ways but it was a somber time. It was so good to be with loved ones for those few days though. I came back to Texas ready to start school and begin to get back to normal life. Within a week my bike mysteriously broke (the shop said it looked as though someone had run it over) and my car got broken into. Both of these things put me back financially but it was ok.

Then on August 27th I started my second semester at UTA. I decided I am going to really like my classes this semester. Then on Wednesday morning I woke up and had a great pain in my side. I could barely move. I knew I needed to go to the doctor's office. They told me I had an infection and but me on the antibiotic Cipro. I went home and sleep most of the day. On Thursday I continued to get worse. The pain was moving and I began to vomit (a lot!) I knew something was not right. At 7:00 that evening I went back to the clinic. They ran some test and found my white blood count to be at 17,400 (normal is between 10,000-12,000). They told me I needed to go to the ER right away. After 7 hours in the ER they admitted me. On Friday a handful of doctors came into see me. I was told that my Kidneys were going into renal failure, and they could not figure out why. I laid there in pain and listened to these doctors tell me they had no idea what to do. All kinds of scary words were being thrown around and I was beginning to become very scared.

My roommate Holly was there with me this whole day. I love and appreciate that about her... She helped me clean up each time I vomited and was just there to love me. I couldn't keep anything down and they decided they needed to but a tube down my throat. This is the most miserable thing I have ever experienced. The next few days are a blur. I was getting morphine shots ever 3 hours and was still hurting so badly. I wasn't allowed to eat anything expect for ice chips. It was no fun at all.

Luckily the doctors figured out what was wrong... I had an allergic reaction to the Cipro. This is a VERY uncommon reaction, I was told 1 in a million. The Cipro attacked my Kidneys and made them shut down. I just needed to wait it out. So after 6 days in the Hospital I was allowed to go home.

Since being home I have been able to process many things about my time in the hospital.
1) Even though I don't have a great family (they never once called to check-up on me after being told what happened) I have AMAZING friends! They are truly my family. I know that I am loved. (My best friend was even looking into how to donate a kidney to me if I needed on) These people are my family!

2) I was closer to death then I have ever been... I was scared and yet I know that only by the Lord's grace I am better today. My life is precious and I can not take it for granted.

3) It has been 9 years since I've spoken to my dad. If something would have happened to me in that hospital he would never have known, and I hate that! I spent the day yesterday trying to get in touch with my dad. My uncle is getting a message to him that I want the lines of communication opened again. This is a BIG step! I pray that the Lord would guide me in it.


So anyhow that is what has been going on these past few weeks. I am feeling SO much better and feel back to normal. I went back to school on Thursday and believe that I will be able to catch up in all my classes. I go back to work tomorrow and will hopefully get back to normal life.

I hope to be good about keeping this up to date. Maybe it will make me a little less homesick!